Issues in Academic Writing Example 1

My comments are in italics:

Your research is excellent. My point that your voice appeared to be
overwhelmed by sources reflected my impression that you needed to
integrate that information more seamlessly in to your own analysis.
Your ideas were obscured at times by the fact that you appeared to
stumble over some of your sentences. The first paragraph is
complicated and not always clear.

 
'Advertising has undergone a significant shift in the last decade
transforming from a transfixed, centralised medium on our television
screens to a decentralised, consumer driven, participatory medium in
an interactive online environment. The shift of advertising from
mainstream media, such as television and radio, came as a natural
progression over time with the introduction of Web 2.0 creating a
place for user generated content. This provided a catalyst for the
development of viral video campaigns and branded content, which
verified the changing attitudes of society and identified the growing
trend towards ‘proteur’ production and participatory media.
Advertising has since found a new domain to flourish in by targeting
particular audience ‘niches’ in an attempt to produce enjoyable,
relatable and recognisable product campaigns.'

Here's an alternative...

'Advertising is no longer a transfixed, centralised medium on our
television screens. In the last decade it has transformed, shifting
towards more decentralised, participatory mediums such as the internet
and mobile phones. Effectively, advertisers have followed their
audiences. The explosion of user generated content in the wake of Web
2.0 has caught the attention of the younger audience in particular.
Previously held captive to fixed television broadcast schedules, now
they are just as likely to be watching videos on You Tube or Facebook
and often those videos will be peer-produced. This essay examines the
various strategies advertisers have taken as they try to re-engage
with a prosumer culture that is 'niche' driven and favours its own
raw, amateur aesthetic."

Can you see the difference? Academic writing is formal, but it needs
to be clear and also, ideally, engaging. I'm not saying that my
own writing is brilliant - but it is an example of how you can be clear
and engaging in an academic style.

Your introduction is followed shortly afterward by a long, formal
definition of convergence (In a paragraph where the word 'convergence'
appeared 4 times), left the impression that you were not, as yet,
entirely comfortable when writing in an academic style.

Here are some more examples:

'In addition, the impact of convergence between advertising and
entertainment is evident on a more local scale with the increased
production of viral videos released on the Internet'

- This is confusing. Things impact on, not between. Also, it is
inaccurate to describe viral videos released on the internet, (a
global medium), as illustrative of a 'local scale' - grassroots yes,
individual voices yes, prosumer yes, local no. I understand what you want to say, but

I recommend you reword this sentence for greater clarity.

e.g. Platforms such as YouTube enable local, grassroots campaigns

to reach a global audience.

 
"Clearly the impact on the advertising market of the convergence of
these two industries has been used to generate a global awareness and
influence society’s actions."
- Actually, this sentence is not clear.....'advertising market' might
equally refer to people who buy ads, there seems to be a lot impacting
on quite a few things in this sentence. Why not instead something
like..."Convergence enabled the Black Eyed Peas to creatively
cross-reference two industries. (? - BTW the 2 industries were not
identified) As a result they generated a global awareness of the
extent that Barrack Obama's victory impacted upon American society."

'Furthermore a constant theme with online advertising is how the
Internet allows the consumer to control what they react to and why
they chose to engage in the advertising material. Paul Byrnes from
Emitch Brisbane, in a 2007 interview stated “We're all prosumers now,”
referring to a new ‘buzzword’ for pro-active consumers (Gold Coast
News 2008).'

- The Gold Coast news may not have been quite accurate in their
definition of a prosumer. Participatory media allows consumers to
engage in conversations about media and give feedback to producers.
'Prosumer' is a term that more generally refers to producer
consumers......i.e. they actually make videos too...These are two
separate concepts. Running them together in this way is a bit
disorientating. I know you've done so as a lead in to the example
video of a proteur production - but you needed to clarify.
'Evidently the success of advertising online is due to the emergence
of viral videos and user-generated content in creating a participatory
environment for consumers to actively engage in media content'.

- This is a mouthful. How about instead something more direct like
"Viral videos and user-generated content create a participatory
environment. Online advertising succeeds when it .....(the rest of
this sentence could be further developed in your analysis. You made a
very good point earlier on about integrity......what else? What sort
of 'new capabilities' will be required and how can companies
differentiate themselves? I think you needed to explore/explain more
why user-generated content prompted the start of proteur look viral
video campaigns.)

In terms of the 'patchiness' of your blog. ... it sometimes seem

to jump from one point to the next without a clear flow through of argument.

The direct writing style described above will help to smooth this out.

You are right, academic writing is more formal and generally sounds
more authoritative in the 3rd person. Keep in mind that the aim is to
be as clear as possible. I have given you more detailed feedback
here, but would like to stress that actually, you have the potential
to write very well. You really only need to streamline the way you
put it together. The university runs academic writing courses if you
are interested to develop your skills further.

Finally, the easy question - links means no in text links e.g. your
reference to the Black Eyed Peas could have linked to their website.
This is not to suggest that you insert the full url in to your text,
but you are encouraged to link references or official titles in the
body of your text to the official website or source that they refer
to.